With the tedious physical tasks done with , it's time for the third step.
The New You.(To those folks with MPD-Multi personality Disorder this is no excuse to create yet another identity!!Use the ones you already have.That's right pick from the 20!)
In two parts across 2 chapters ,here is the first installment .
Physical Maintenance
Ever wonder how that B**** you loathe always look so amazing?Never had the guts to accept an impromptu date or outing?
Can't imagine without a sense of dread about leaving the house looking the way you are right now?
Fret not!Help is on its way.Let me know when it gets here if ever!(Kidding!)
Food for your thoughts, If a piece of metal(vehicles!duh!I know you were probably thinking Ironman?) needs to be maintained to look great and run likewise ,what excuses you? a mere mortal at that?
Dear earthling chicks, Preparation is the key.
I am figuring which cliche comes into a good play here..still torn between 'Ä stitch in time saves nine ' and nothing.
Hair Grooming
Put aside 10 minutes a day for grooming(more if you are a relative of wolfman).That includes meticulous tweezing, frantic shaving and what have you.
People have reacted with horror and amusement when I proudly announce that yes! I do fanatically tweeze and shave every damn day.This translates to me taking just 10 quick minutes to shower, getting dressed and all ready to conquer the world!
What is 10 minutes even? A sacrifice of less nosing around in facebook for the greater good... YOU!
Armpit hair is always a debate.If you have been taken hostage to some remote part of the world where blending in with the apes is crucial to your survival then you have my blessings. Keep it as long as you want.Throw in a plait or two.For others, you NEED a razor!
Hair in the nether regions? Touchy- pun intended *wink*
Choice is yours. But if I ever do get strangled by a stray pubic hair while in the pool ,I doubt I am going to be as magnanimous.
Put on your most daring swimsuit and that should be a great guideline.
Anything that threatens to make a surprise exit have to be banished!And no!plaits will be frowned upon!
Get a great haircut! Decide what suits you .Being Rapunzel is strictly discouraged. If it takes more than 10 minutes to dress your hair, please be kind and fire your stylist! Let your hair down or wear it in a bun , stick a flower in it and man!don't u look hot!
Don't let your roots show. Whoa!Take it easy there Mr Nazi! Hair roots!!Geez!
That is probably one of the most common and hideous atrocities committed by many.(still on the hair issue people!)
Make a quick trip down to any pharmacy.
There is always a Guardian ,Watson's and many redundant others sprouting a stone throw's away.
Grab one of those DIY dyes. Contrary to popular myths , you will not end up with green hair!!Unless of course you had blindly bought the grass colored dye.
Those dyes are child's play.
Pssst..I heard that many a colorist are out of a job because of this new DIY phenomenon.
Read the instructions on the box. Read Again!
Do your mixing and shampoo it into your hair.Do your best to get all or most of the hair.Do your frivolous facebooking and wait for the dye to work its magic.
Shampoo off the dye and voila!
Those holding on to the feeble excuse that you now spot the absurd raccoon trend because you are growing out the color?I am not buying that bullshit.Go for a dye in the color you are growing in your hair.
If you are naturally dark haired, you might want to give going blonde a skip. Firstly the Village of the Damned kids might turn up at your doorstep demanding you join their jolly brotherhood and secondly it's lots of effort to maintain it.
Nails.
Paint nails a light shade.Mistakes don't easily show wearing light nail polish and not even when the nail polish is wearing out.
Spending hours doing nail art? No dude is going to notice that. It's time well wasted!
For nails simple is the rule.
Make-up
Keep it natural.Think light blush on cheeks , quick sweep of white or light shadow on eye lids , a flicker of the mascara's magic wand and some gloss or lipstick.
I am able to put on a complete face in 3 minutes!
And those debating to go au naturel ..only one word for you ..DON'T!
I have been intrigued by the backs of apparently very well dressed women only to be completely scared out of my wits when I caught an unfortunate glimpse of their faces.Totally bare ,naked and frightful.
I fail to understand this dying(yes you heard me .It had better be dying or dead once I am done 2 finger typing here!)
It's like getting half dressed. Putting on a great top and forgetting the bottom or vice versa.
Just not a good look.
Not that we are going to hear the men protest this one. "Yaay burn the tops!Burn the bottoms!", men all over earth and other planets I am sure ,would be gleefully chanting.
Perfume
Nothing like killer body odor to suffocate any mood or event.
Just a couple of weeks back , I was tipsily primming myself in a dingy loo at a popular club.
Unsuspectingly I got assaulted by this horrendous smell. Took frantic whiffs of myself to exclude myself as the guilty part.
The offensive odor can only be politely described as a pungent mix of stale urine and some dead rat.
The guilty party was a hot, sexy pretty diva who was probably puzzled why everyone was turning her favourite color blue around her.Since she had a good too many drinks I doubt that she cared enough.
Smelling rotten ,finger points at a lack of personal hygiene.Invest in a good anti perspiration spray. Always shower when stepping out.
Look for a signature scent that compliments your personality. Dressed in goth and wearing Jasmine ?I don't think so.
Have a few scents if you please to suit your varying moods.
Weight management
I do not have a diet I abide by .Heck! I can't even find the weighing scales at home.
Eat reasonably. If you are going to be idle at home then you are not going to be needing those 2 cheese burgers complete with large fries for your meal. Eat what you think you can burn off. Looking at a busy on your feet kind of day? , then you are entitled to a larger meal.
I personally never skip any meals.I need my Breakfast, Lunch , coffee break and Dinner.
Moderation in the other key.
You do not have to emulate the rabbit as your diet guru.
Eat wisely is all I am saying.
Make tiny , unremarkable changes in your eating habits. Ditch soda for ice lemon tea or for the extremist ,water!
Limit your intake of carbohydrates. One bowl of rice is sufficient a meal.
And stop that Bin Mentality.You do not have to polish off everything on your plate including everyone else's left overs.Stop if you are full.
Buffets are no longer your best friend.
Food my dear friends is fuel for the body.Anyone who tells you otherwise is a certified moron or a jealous b****.
Lose that few pounds if it's bothering you.Again moderation. Only if you emulate the right lifestyle and diet can weight loss be a success.If you do fall headlong into a fad , it's never going to be permanent.
Weight needs maintenance.
Finding your clothes snug these days?Then it's time to lay off the sweets darling and not an excuse to go shopping!
It's easier to gauge weight loss or gain by the way your clothes hang on you.(unless you have a dryer which recklessly shrinks your clothes a good 3 sizes down!)
And it's always a breeze to lose 2 kg then 20 kg so never let yourself go.
Exercise
No I don't exercise either.
Secret to my looking trim and fit(fingers crossed!) is taking that little bit of effort in my dreaded chores and eating habits.
Hoovering is a nightmare of many but a great exercise tool and hey! a clean house. Stop dragging it around like a tired dog on a lease from room to room. Remove the long handle and use just the nozzle.
WTF?!!(ya i was expecting this reaction..hahaha) . Well I didn't promise it was going to be easy.
Not only are you going to be able to clean those nooks and crannies that never saw the light of day , but think of all the arm and thigh workout you are getting for FREE!
Gym membership fees saved= yet more outfits
Do a greater good.
Offer to babysit any kids.
Do take note that in many (if not all) countries , kidnapping is illegal! Most sensible parents would gladly cave , throw their off springs at you and hit the nearest bed.(Dear Parents- do note that breaking an entry to snooze in someone else's bed warrants as a break in and is punishable by law.)
Babysitting kids gives anyone a great cardio. And you have successfully earned brownie points! How easy is this?!!
Walking
If you do walk at snail's pace then do everyone a big fat favor and stop walking.Take big strides instead, work out those legs, swing your arms (great self defence work out too I must say!)
Stop driving , walk up those threatening stairs.
Stop napping in the public transport and opt to stand up instead leaving your seat to others more deserving.
A gracious society will be in the books.
Get off that lazy ass and burn some calories.
Be adventurous , do some squats while you are at it .(kidding!)
Now that you are physically a babe , let's touch things emotionally next.
Till we meet in the next chapter( gawd! just realized that I had written this in the past 2 chapters as well..oh well! Another cliche..All's well that ends well(yup..no idea what that really truly means!)
